Life is terrifyingly beautiful and sweetly crushing. To love is to open yourself up to be vulnerable to those cold dark never ending winter night-like experiences or those beautiful nostalgic summer-like days. Friendship is never anything but sharing, and sometimes there are things you can’t share without ending up liking each other or wanting to tear each other right into pieces.
I didn’t realize it, but over time I began to surround myself with only people who brought enriching experiences into my life. And I met oh so many of them, people I’m proud to call my friends. Even as this was happening my inner circle of people grew richer but also smaller in size especially when I lost my best friend. Though we grew apart, it doesn’t mean that that’s it. We grew together at the roots, so even though our branches don’t intertwine right now, we will always be bonded. I just couldn’t get sucked into the drama anymore.
As a reward for pulling myself out of that mess, I somehow thought it right to go around riding on my high horse. That’s when you realize that everything isn’t always black and white. Everything was going well for me (I mean as well as it can, before life decides to step in and fuck it all up) and reflecting on the different types of relationships in my life I began to wonder about things that could have been, if only. And in that instance, the lines began to become blurry.In these moments I set fire to all things I hold dearest. I admittedly messed up big time. It wasn’t supposed to hurt this much but I guess this time was different. So the pedestal I was on crumbled, for I wasn’t even true to the things I believed in the most; Honesty, Loyalty. In a twist of events I decided that for once in my life, I needed to stop playing the victim and deal with it. Even if it meant losing everything I had (which I hadn’t thought I even deserved but am now so grateful for).
Funny enough is I believe I had come to know him so well, that I could almost predict his next move. I was right. What I hadn’t expected, however, was all the grace and kindness with which the situation was handled. It all just made me remember something said by Donohue. Your beloved and friends were once strangers. At some point, they came towards your life and now it’s unimaginable without them. In the same way your identity is composed of a constellation of ideas and feelings that surfaced from the depths. To lose those now would be to loose yourself.
And so even though everything is not yet 100 percent, here’s to looking at the way ahead with fresh eyes.