This past week got me thinking. This is why I am afraid to be happy. One moment I am so alive and the stars seem lined to serve my every whim and then next it just plain sucks. My life was going great, and I was fresh from one adventure and really looking forward to the next one. I was planning something big this time. Something really big. Then it happened. My bubble of joy was pricked violently if there is such a thing. I got all the bad news at once. First, my trip got cancelled, then my friend got hospitalized, and my mother started showing signs of needing medical attention. It probably didn’t help that I was watching reruns of the TV show Grey’s Anatomy (though it was actually my first time watching the series) where a girl watched as she lost members of her family one by one. Something about her cries and hopelessness just made me not be able to grieve over what had just happened to me. Preferring to dive into the TV show rather than deal with with the emerging issues, I got engrossed in the episode. Fast forward to  scene where one doctor who was experiencing some overwhelming personal issues took to crying in the elevator. Another doctor, who had just been fired, walked into the elevator and found the one in anguish. She looked at him and told him something like this; “Look at me, I have just been fired from the only thing I know and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life now. Do you see me holed up in some elevator crying? But what do we usually say, we build our own destiny, right? Well that’s exactly what I’m going to do, and that’s what you should too.” There was something about the somber tone of her voice, like she needed to convince herself something, she was giving herself that pep talk. Whatever it was, it was enough to shock the crying doctor back to his senses, and it was enough for me too. 

All my life, I’ve never wanted to disappoint.The thought of anyone not liking me just didn’t sit well. For me, that doctor’s words didn’t mean that I should bottle it all up; my hiccups, big or small, were valid. It didn’t mean that I should act the victim either. It meant there is more to life than just a bunch of obstacles or the heat of the moment. It’s got ups and downs, and to enjoy it in its entirety you need to be okay with accepting both sides. Its just like when you love a person, the bad parts are tolerated because the good parts are totally worth staying for. Life is a beautiful gift, its agile, its got the good, the bad and the ugly just like a roller coaster ride but most of all its what you make it. So make it what you want it to be and not what society dictates as the hallmark of true success. We build our own destiny. 

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.
                                          -Jonathan Safran Foer

So in the end I learned to be open to welcoming happiness,and that the bad things that will happen between now and then will only make reaching my happy goals even sweeter. It’s okay to be the occasional bitch(not that I recommend this), to let go of that little miss perfect mask once in a while and learn from that. Because, honey, not everyone will like you. And now I’m finally okay with that.

And they said that nothing good will come from me watching TV. Take that.

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