All I just wanna be is happy.
That’s what everyone is really looking for.
Maybe the reason I’m feeling so miserable right now is because I threw away anything good I ever had. I’m one of those people who’ve literally run the other way whenever something good or someone good happens to them. I could think of a million chances, places and people I’ve run from just because I was afraid of getting hurt, at least that’s my friends conclusion on my predicament.
Maybe that’s why I’m seated at this fancy place all alone, biting on ice cream. At least I’m not the only one seated alone, though. That gives me courage. Then again it scares me, this woman seated on her own like that…, is that me in the next couple of years? I mean, she doesn’t look too bad, actually cleans up nice. She looks sophisticated, a well off beautiful woman. All things I aspire to be when I grow up. But there’s that hint of loneliness that even I can feel, maybe I’m just sensitive to it because I’m currently experiencing it. Really, what good is all these things, fame, wealth , status and success…whatever your poison is, if you can’t share it with the people you love?
My ice cream is melting, and with it so does my heart. I’m still young, why am I fretting about these things? Okay, it might have something to do with the fact that after a fabulous weekend with my two closest friends,they told me that my life should stop revolving around theirs. Now, I love my girls …tough love but it got me thinking. I don’t want to end up as the strong, independent successful woman they’ll be hauling their kids at to spoil.
What happened to me? I used to be the person that things happened to. Now I’ve just been on a dry run for way too long. I lost my authenticity, my hopes and dreams and was left with a gaping hole of emptiness, a void. I don’t look at things the way I used to, in a positive light. I judge way too much and way too quickly. I’m quick to point out the flaws in something or someone just so that I can spare myself the hustle of falling for them then getting hurt. I care about what other people think way too much than is good for me. I expect a little too much, I could even go as far as saying I may have got a little bit shallow.
That said, this has to stop. I’ll no longer keep doing this to myself. Life is short. And I’m the only one that holds the key to my happiness. So I’ll take it. And run with it.
And Dear universe, I promise to stop wasting all the chances at love that you’re giving me. I’ll do better.
Okay, the woman has now been joined by another gentleman. Great. I’m the only one left. Or this might just mean there’s still hope.
And my ice cream has completely melted. Now I get why people order coffee when they want to stay this long at a café.